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How To Protect Yourself From Excessive Rimjobbing [Funbag]

• Jul 15, 2010 from deadspin(Deadspin) in Sports
  Time for your Thursday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering water fountains, boogers, medical forms, revenge poop, friendly fire, and more.No time to waste. We again go right to your letters:
  Buster:
  
  My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have a good sex life. I have no complaints. However, for the last several months she has been rimming me. I mean really going at it like a maniac. When she did it the first time, I told her it was the best ever. Ever since then, when we have sex, she wants to do it because she wants to please me.
  The problem is her saliva must be like battery acid. It has gotten so bad I have to keep a tube of preparation H at work and hid at the house. When I get home from work, I have to go and wash my ass because I'm afraid if we do have sex, she will taste the ass medicine. This ritual of washing my hole only makes it worse because it hurts to rub off the ass medicine, making it more raw. I'm afraid if I tell her not to do it one night, she won't do it again. The thought of that is almost as painful as my butt. I mean you have not lived until you have you hands behind your knees, pulling you legs in the air, and your wife jacking you off while her tongue is an inch inside your ass. What do I do?
  
  Jesus.
  /goes to throw up
  Okay so Wait, just one moment
  /goes to throw up a second time
  Okay, so rimjobs! Nice! I don't really understand how your asshole can get SO raw from that kind of thing. How long is she down there? An hour? I mean, sweet Jesus. She's tasted fudge. There's no way around it. She has absolutely hit fudge if she's going at for that long and that deep. There's no way around it. She treating your asshole like the inside of a goddamn bundt cake. Ever have the old Pillsbury bundt cake? With the tunnel of fudge? That's your butt.
  Anyway, I do believe you're using the wrong medicine. Preparation H is for treating hemorrhoids, which you don't have. It's an active medicine. You just need a moisturizer, like Eucerin Aquaphor. I would try something like that before you take any kind of drastic measure, like scotchguarding your rectum.
  Keith:
  
  Is it that unusual that I often talk to myself? For instance, I'll be walking my dog (which, along with being on the can, is a great time to just think) and I'll just start contemplating out loud. I may do this for a full 10 minutes. I'm sure other people in the neighborhood have heard me doing this and think I must be schizophrenic.
  
  I don't think talking to yourself is that unusual, but I rarely do it out in public. If I do it out in public, chances are I'm not even talking. I'm just muttering really low. I'm sure this makes me look like a lunatic, but far less so than if I were to talk to myself in a normal register. "Well, hello Drew! How are you today, Drew! I'm great, Drew! Thanks for asking! You know what's a funny phrase, Drew? YELLOW MONKEY COCKS!" That would be odd, especially the part about yellow monkey cocks.
  When I talk to myself, it's almost always part of some imaginary conversation I plan to have with someone or would like to have with someone, famous or otherwise. We covered this in a previous mailbag, but I spend an inordinate amount of time rehearsing an imagined profile of myself on "60 Minutes". So if you see me walking to the drugstore and saying weird shit, chances are it's me talking to Steve Kroft about my seven consecutive Oscar wins. Steve is very impressed by Alternate Universe Drew, I can tell you that.
  I'm much more likely to talk to myself in the house. Or worse, SING to myself. I'm not serenading myself, though that would be fun. I just get a song stuck in my head and start mouthing the lyrics. Sometimes, that will become audible, and I won't even realize it. Then the wife will pipe up:
  WIFE: Did you say something?
  ME: What? Me? No. You must be hearing things, crazy lady.
  Then she goes back about her business. Only she KNOWS damn well I was talking to myself, and I know that she knows this. Yet it passes by unspoken, like a GHOST.
  I also get odd phrases stuck in my head. I was forced to read Ulysses once, and Leo Bloom gets an ad stuck in his head about Plumtree's potted meat, and he repeats it to himself over and over because it's just THERE, in his head. This happens to me a lot. For example, I was going through the digital programming guide once and saw some kids' program named JAKERS! listed. I thought nothing of it. Later that day, I'm walking around and my head starts going, "Jakers. Jakers. JAKERS! JAKERS JAKERS JAKERS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" To this day, that word still pops up in my brain, and I'll find myself mouthing it. I have no clue what the show is or what it's about. I assume it blows.
  Same with a cartoon called "Gundam Wing." I used to see it in the listings a lot and so it stuck in my head Gundam Wing Gundam Wing Gundam Wing, only my brain twisted "Gundam" into "Goddamn" and now anytime I see an airplane I think GODDAMN WING,...