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How To Protect Yourself From Excessive Rimjobbing [Funbag]

• Jul 15, 2010 from deadspin(Deadspin) in Sports
  Time for your Thursday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering water fountains, boogers, medical forms, revenge poop, friendly fire, and more.No time to waste. We again go right to your letters:
  Buster:
  
  My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have a good sex life. I have no complaints. However, for the last several months she has been rimming me. I mean really going at it like a maniac. When she did it the first time, I told her it was the best ever. Ever since then, when we have sex, she wants to do it because she wants to please me.
  The problem is her saliva must be like battery acid. It has gotten so bad I have to keep a tube of preparation H at work and hid at the house. When I get home from work, I have to go and wash my ass because I'm afraid if we do have sex, she will taste the ass medicine. This ritual of washing my hole only makes it worse because it hurts to rub off the ass medicine, making it more raw. I'm afraid if I tell her not to do it one night, she won't do it again. The thought of that is almost as painful as my butt. I mean you have not lived until you have you hands behind your knees, pulling you legs in the air, and your wife jacking you off while her tongue is an inch inside your ass. What do I do?
  
  Jesus.
  /goes to throw up
  Okay so Wait, just one moment
  /goes to throw up a second time
  Okay, so rimjobs! Nice! I don't really understand how your asshole can get SO raw from that kind of thing. How long is she down there? An hour? I mean, sweet Jesus. She's tasted fudge. There's no way around it. She has absolutely hit fudge if she's going at for that long and that deep. There's no way around it. She treating your asshole like the inside of a goddamn bundt cake. Ever have the old Pillsbury bundt cake? With the tunnel of fudge? That's your butt.
  Anyway, I do believe you're using the wrong medicine. Preparation H is for treating hemorrhoids, which you don't have. It's an active medicine. You just need a moisturizer, like Eucerin Aquaphor. I would try something like that before you take any kind of drastic measure, like scotchguarding your rectum.
  Keith:
  
  Is it that unusual that I often talk to myself? For instance, I'll be walking my dog (which, along with being on the can, is a great time to just think) and I'll just start contemplating out loud. I may do this for a full 10 minutes. I'm sure other people in the neighborhood have heard me doing this and think I must be schizophrenic.
  
  I don't think talking to yourself is that unusual, but I rarely do it out in public. If I do it out in public, chances are I'm not even talking. I'm just muttering really low. I'm sure this makes me look like a lunatic, but far less so than if I were to talk to myself in a normal register. "Well, hello Drew! How are you today, Drew! I'm great, Drew! Thanks for asking! You know what's a funny phrase, Drew? YELLOW MONKEY COCKS!" That would be odd, especially the part about yellow monkey cocks.
  When I talk to myself, it's almost always part of some imaginary conversation I plan to have with someone or would like to have with someone, famous or otherwise. We covered this in a previous mailbag, but I spend an inordinate amount of time rehearsing an imagined profile of myself on "60 Minutes". So if you see me walking to the drugstore and saying weird shit, chances are it's me talking to Steve Kroft about my seven consecutive Oscar wins. Steve is very impressed by Alternate Universe Drew, I can tell you that.
  I'm much more likely to talk to myself in the house. Or worse, SING to myself. I'm not serenading myself, though that would be fun. I just get a song stuck in my head and start mouthing the lyrics. Sometimes, that will become audible, and I won't even realize it. Then the wife will pipe up:
  WIFE: Did you say something?
  ME: What? Me? No. You must be hearing things, crazy lady.
  Then she goes back about her business. Only she KNOWS damn well I was talking to myself, and I know that she knows this. Yet it passes by unspoken, like a GHOST.
  I also get odd phrases stuck in my head. I was forced to read Ulysses once, and Leo Bloom gets an ad stuck in his head about Plumtree's potted meat, and he repeats it to himself over and over because it's just THERE, in his head. This happens to me a lot. For example, I was going through the digital programming guide once and saw some kids' program named JAKERS! listed. I thought nothing of it. Later that day, I'm walking around and my head starts going, "Jakers. Jakers. JAKERS! JAKERS JAKERS JAKERS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" To this day, that word still pops up in my brain, and I'll find myself mouthing it. I have no clue what the show is or what it's about. I assume it blows.
  Same with a cartoon called "Gundam Wing." I used to see it in the listings a lot and so it stuck in my head Gundam Wing Gundam Wing Gundam Wing, only my brain twisted "Gundam" into "Goddamn" and now anytime I see an airplane I think GODDAMN WING,...

Beauty Tips for Women

• Aug 31, 2010 from AOLshopping(AOL Shopping) in Lifestyle
  Filed under: Skincare
  
  It seems like everyone has beauty tips that they swear by. I wanted to ask women of all different ages what the best beauty advice that they ever received was. 24 of our readers contributed their best beauty tips for women and I am happy to be able to share them with you.
  
  From advice from grandmothers to tips from model's instructors, these beauty tips for women could not be more helpful. Whether you are 22 or 82, these tips are guaranteed to help make you even more beautiful both inside and out.
  
  Is your favorite piece of beauty advice missing from our list? Leave a comment below or tell us on Facebook. Thou shalt not keep fabulous beauty tips a secret!
  
  
  Say yes to sunscreen
  "I'm thankful that my mother always got on my case about using sunscreen when I was growing up. Otherwise I don't think my face would look as good as it does for my age. Instead of a leathery, wrinkled face, I have the youthful look of a young twenty-something, even though I'm 34."
  China, 34
  
  Protect your skin from the sun.
  
  
  
  
  Say no to perms
  "At age 52 I had been caught up in an never ending routine of coloring and perming my hair. My hair was dried and coarse looking. On the advice from my hairdresser I gave up the perms and my hair has never looked better. The change made my hair bouncy, shiny and younger looking."
  Susan, 52
  
  Say yes to focusing on one feature
  "The best beauty advice that I ever received was to focus on one specific feature. Wearing makeup on every part of your face can look overdone, but this method lets your beauty shine flawlessly. The trick is to do just a dramatic lip or dramatic eyes but not both."
  Amy
  
  Say yes to eye cream
  "Many older mother-figures in my life have told me how much they regret not using eye cream earlier to prevent aging around the eyes. Because they stressed the earlier the better, I snapped up an affordable eye cream and have been continuously using one. Now, at 31, the skin around my eyes still looks supple."
  Kate, 31
  
  An eye opening must-have.
  
  
  Say no to deodorant stains
  "I used to hate having deodorant stains all over my clothes until my grandmother showed me how panty hose can wipe off the stains with ease-even on black! Just rub the panty hose or knee highs over the stain and watch it disappear! Now you can put your outdated and rather unfashionable panty hose into good use!"
  Capri, 24
  
  Say yes to up-dos
  "After a few years of mistreating my hair, the damage was bad. My stylist told me if I roll my hair into a ballerina bun after showering, the hair would dry in soft waves. It worked! Not only do I save time blow-drying and curling my hair, I also get sexy, natural curls with little effort."
  Hope, 21
  
  
  Say yes to washing your face before going to bed
  As a model, I had to take professional modeling classes before starting my career. I received some of the best advice from one of the instructors, she told me to be sure to wash my face every evening before I go to bed, no excuses. Each time I forgot to wash my makeup off, I was actually adding a year to the look of my skin."
  Roey, 38
  
  Wash your face with a good cleanser.
  
  
  
  Say yes to loving yourself
  "The best beauty advice I received came years ago from my mother. She said, "If you want others to love you, first love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and respect." For any of us to look our best and be our most beautiful, we must start from within. Eat the freshest foods, drink the purest water, get enough rest and go outside and enjoy the natural world."
  Darlene, 52
  
  Say yes to retinol
  "The best beauty advice I ever received, besides the usual "wear sunscreen every day," is to use a retinol or retinoid product at least once a day. Retinols (available over the counter) and retinoids (by prescription only) are two of the few products that have been proven to reverse signs of aging. In addition to fighting wrinkles and reversing sun damage, retinols and retinoids also fade skin discolorations, stimulate collagen production and fight acne."
  Sandra, 45
  
  Say no to overdoing it
  "I got this tip from a beauty consultant as a teen and now many years later the advice still holds true; When in doubt use less, subtle is always better."
  Cathleen
  
  Say yes to baby oil
  "The best beauty advice that I ever received was to rub baby oil on my skin before getting out of the shower. I like to use the any brand that contain Vitamin E. Then after drying off, I lather lotion on. This makes my skin feel as soft and smooth as a baby's!"
  Jessica, 26
  
  
  If you want soft skin, try baby oil.
  
  
  Say no to frowning
  "The best beauty advice I ever received was that a smile lights up your face, you should never act your age and don't worry about wrinkles because it showed how joyful your life is. Following that advice, at age 56 my mom looks 40 and I am often mistaken for 22 at 30 years old!"
  K.C., 30
  
  
  Say yes to baby wipes
  "The best beauty advice I ever received was, of course, from my wonderful mother. Her advice is to remove...

Beauty Tips for Women

• Aug 31, 2010 from hamiltonbruce08 in Lifestyle
  Filed under: Skincare
  
  It seems like everyone has beauty tips that they swear by. I wanted to ask women of all different ages what the best beauty advice that they ever received was. 24 of our readers contributed their best beauty tips for women and I am happy to be able to share them with you.
  
  From advice from grandmothers to tips from model's instructors, these beauty tips for women could not be more helpful. Whether you are 22 or 82, these tips are guaranteed to help make you even more beautiful both inside and out.
  
  Is your favorite piece of beauty advice missing from our list? Leave a comment below or tell us on Facebook. Thou shalt not keep fabulous beauty tips a secret!
  
  
  Say yes to sunscreen
  "I'm thankful that my mother always got on my case about using sunscreen when I was growing up. Otherwise I don't think my face would look as good as it does for my age. Instead of a leathery, wrinkled face, I have the youthful look of a young twenty-something, even though I'm 34."
  China, 34
  
  Protect your skin from the sun.
  
  
  
  
  Say no to perms
  "At age 52 I had been caught up in an never ending routine of coloring and perming my hair. My hair was dried and coarse looking. On the advice from my hairdresser I gave up the perms and my hair has never looked better. The change made my hair bouncy, shiny and younger looking."
  Susan, 52
  
  Say yes to focusing on one feature
  "The best beauty advice that I ever received was to focus on one specific feature. Wearing makeup on every part of your face can look overdone, but this method lets your beauty shine flawlessly. The trick is to do just a dramatic lip or dramatic eyes but not both."
  Amy
  
  Say yes to eye cream
  "Many older mother-figures in my life have told me how much they regret not using eye cream earlier to prevent aging around the eyes. Because they stressed the earlier the better, I snapped up an affordable eye cream and have been continuously using one. Now, at 31, the skin around my eyes still looks supple."
  Kate, 31
  
  An eye opening must-have.
  
  
  Say no to deodorant stains
  "I used to hate having deodorant stains all over my clothes until my grandmother showed me how panty hose can wipe off the stains with ease-even on black! Just rub the panty hose or knee highs over the stain and watch it disappear! Now you can put your outdated and rather unfashionable panty hose into good use!"
  Capri, 24
  
  Say yes to up-dos
  "After a few years of mistreating my hair, the damage was bad. My stylist told me if I roll my hair into a ballerina bun after showering, the hair would dry in soft waves. It worked! Not only do I save time blow-drying and curling my hair, I also get sexy, natural curls with little effort."
  Hope, 21
  
  
  Say yes to washing your face before going to bed
  As a model, I had to take professional modeling classes before starting my career. I received some of the best advice from one of the instructors, she told me to be sure to wash my face every evening before I go to bed, no excuses. Each time I forgot to wash my makeup off, I was actually adding a year to the look of my skin."
  Roey, 38
  
  Wash your face with a good cleanser.
  
  
  
  Say yes to loving yourself
  "The best beauty advice I received came years ago from my mother. She said, "If you want others to love you, first love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and respect." For any of us to look our best and be our most beautiful, we must start from within. Eat the freshest foods, drink the purest water, get enough rest and go outside and enjoy the natural world."
  Darlene, 52
  
  Say yes to retinol
  "The best beauty advice I ever received, besides the usual "wear sunscreen every day," is to use a retinol or retinoid product at least once a day. Retinols (available over the counter) and retinoids (by prescription only) are two of the few products that have been proven to reverse signs of aging. In addition to fighting wrinkles and reversing sun damage, retinols and retinoids also fade skin discolorations, stimulate collagen production and fight acne."
  Sandra, 45
  
  Say no to overdoing it
  "I got this tip from a beauty consultant as a teen and now many years later the advice still holds true; When in doubt use less, subtle is always better."
  Cathleen
  
  Say yes to baby oil
  "The best beauty advice that I ever received was to rub baby oil on my skin before getting out of the shower. I like to use the any brand that contain Vitamin E. Then after drying off, I lather lotion on. This makes my skin feel as soft and smooth as a baby's!"
  Jessica, 26
  
  
  If you want soft skin, try baby oil.
  
  
  Say no to frowning
  "The best beauty advice I ever received was that a smile lights up your face, you should never act your age and don't worry about wrinkles because it showed how joyful your life is. Following that advice, at age 56 my mom looks 40 and I am often mistaken for 22 at 30 years old!"
  K.C., 30
  
  
  Say yes to baby wipes
  "The best beauty advice I ever received was, of course, from my wonderful mother. Her advice is to remove...