Ass Zits - Zits

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pimple Video| Video4shared

Sep 30, 2010 from videointerview(video4shared) in Entertainment
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How To Protect Yourself From Excessive Rimjobbing [Funbag]

Jul 15, 2010 from deadspin(Deadspin) in Sports
Time for your Thursday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering water fountains, boogers, medical forms, revenge poop, friendly fire, and more.No time to waste. We again go right to your letters:
Buster:

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have a good sex life. I have no complaints. However, for the last several months she has been rimming me. I mean really going at it like a maniac. When she did it the first time, I told her it was the best ever. Ever since then, when we have sex, she wants to do it because she wants to please me.
The problem is her saliva must be like battery acid. It has gotten so bad I have to keep a tube of preparation H at work and hid at the house. When I get home from work, I have to go and wash my ass because I'm afraid if we do have sex, she will taste the ass medicine. This ritual of washing my hole only makes it worse because it hurts to rub off the ass medicine, making it more raw. I'm afraid if I tell her not to do it one night, she won't do it again. The thought of that is almost as painful as my butt. I mean you have not lived until you have you hands behind your knees, pulling you legs in the air, and your wife jacking you off while her tongue is an inch inside your ass. What do I do?

Jesus.
/goes to throw up
Okay so Wait, just one moment
/goes to throw up a second time
Okay, so rimjobs! Nice! I don't really understand how your asshole can get SO raw from that kind of thing. How long is she down there? An hour? I mean, sweet Jesus. She's tasted fudge. There's no way around it. She has absolutely hit fudge if she's going at for that long and that deep. There's no way around it. She treating your asshole like the inside of a goddamn bundt cake. Ever have the old Pillsbury bundt cake? With the tunnel of fudge? That's your butt.
Anyway, I do believe you're using the wrong medicine. Preparation H is for treating hemorrhoids, which you don't have. It's an active medicine. You just need a moisturizer, like Eucerin Aquaphor. I would try something like that before you take any kind of drastic measure, like scotchguarding your rectum.
Keith:

Is it that unusual that I often talk to myself? For instance, I'll be walking my dog (which, along with being on the can, is a great time to just think) and I'll just start contemplating out loud. I may do this for a full 10 minutes. I'm sure other people in the neighborhood have heard me doing this and think I must be schizophrenic.

I don't think talking to yourself is that unusual, but I rarely do it out in public. If I do it out in public, chances are I'm not even talking. I'm just muttering really low. I'm sure this makes me look like a lunatic, but far less so than if I were to talk to myself in a normal register. "Well, hello Drew! How are you today, Drew! I'm great, Drew! Thanks for asking! You know what's a funny phrase, Drew? YELLOW MONKEY COCKS!" That would be odd, especially the part about yellow monkey cocks.
When I talk to myself, it's almost always part of some imaginary conversation I plan to have with someone or would like to have with someone, famous or otherwise. We covered this in a previous mailbag, but I spend an inordinate amount of time rehearsing an imagined profile of myself on "60 Minutes". So if you see me walking to the drugstore and saying weird shit, chances are it's me talking to Steve Kroft about my seven consecutive Oscar wins. Steve is very impressed by Alternate Universe Drew, I can tell you that.
I'm much more likely to talk to myself in the house. Or worse, SING to myself. I'm not serenading myself, though that would be fun. I just get a song stuck in my head and start mouthing the lyrics. Sometimes, that will become audible, and I won't even realize it. Then the wife will pipe up:
WIFE: Did you say something?
ME: What? Me? No. You must be hearing things, crazy lady.
Then she goes back about her business. Only she KNOWS damn well I was talking to myself, and I know that she knows this. Yet it passes by unspoken, like a GHOST.
I also get odd phrases stuck in my head. I was forced to read Ulysses once, and Leo Bloom gets an ad stuck in his head about Plumtree's potted meat, and he repeats it to himself over and over because it's just THERE, in his head. This happens to me a lot. For example, I was going through the digital programming guide once and saw some kids' program named JAKERS! listed. I thought nothing of it. Later that day, I'm walking around and my head starts going, "Jakers. Jakers. JAKERS! JAKERS JAKERS JAKERS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" To this day, that word still pops up in my brain, and I'll find myself mouthing it. I have no clue what the show is or what it's about. I assume it blows.
Same with a cartoon called "Gundam Wing." I used to see it in the listings a lot and so it stuck in my head Gundam Wing Gundam Wing Gundam Wing, only my brain twisted "Gundam" into "Goddamn" and now anytime I see an airplane I think GODDAMN WING,...

KOELKAST MAGNEETJES KNIJPKATJE 3 PACK NIEUW TRAKTATIE TIP

Dec 17, 2010 from telinco in Business
KOELKAST MAGNEETJES KNIJPKATJE 3 PACK NIEUW TRAKTATIE TIP

Leuke magneetjes verpakt per set van 3 stuks
In Rood en Blauw ass. Geleverd.
Magneet en nog een extra knijper voor memo
Formaat: 7,5x6x2.5 cm (hxbxd)
Gemaakt van plastic met leuke mooie details.

(zit geen lampje in, door de vorm katachtig en knijpertje is deze naam gekozen.)

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Lady Gaga’s ass has teenage issues

Dec 22, 2011 from opheliarumbaugh1 in Entertainment
Lady Gaga was pictured leaving nightclub Collage in Stockholm on Friday night (after her first performance in the city) with a number of huge pusy zits all over

An age old question answered

Sep 01, 2010 from soulpsuperstar(SoulPole Superstarr) in *
What exactly are the 99 problems facing Jay-Z.MoneyBeing an African American in a predominately white countryHaving to compete with a lot of other rappers in the bizPeople mistakenly spelling his name "JZ"His weakness for pastriesgirls girls girls girls.His unhealthy obsession with AnnieRepetitive stress disorder due torepeatedlybrushing dirt of hisshoulderChinese people.Jaydiohead mashupsSpending waaaaaaay too many G's when pimpin'Fearing that he will be shotWhite people.The Blueprint Vol. 2Kanye WestKanye West's egoBeyonce's periodAlways getting overcharged at the McDonald's drive-thruHaving to select which bling to wear.Being taller than other rappersAlways worried about disappointing his fans.Having a song being played directly after the Justin Beiber on the same radio station.Finding the right barberTrouble selecting his next car.Getting the last pickle out of the pickle jar.Opening a beer bottle when he loses his bottle opener.P. Diddy when he accidentally calls him "Puff Daddy"Too many shoe choices to choose from in the morning.Lacks the ability to flyZitsHaving a golf score of 100+ on a par 72.He's allergic to egg sometimes.Always forgets the words to "Bohemion Rhapsody".Still hasn't seen InceptionJustin Beiber rising to fame faster than he did.The DMV.YouTube not exclusively featuring his content 24/7The Blueprint Vol. 3 containing too much filler.Grilled cheese sandwiches w/ tomato (don't ask me why)Secondhand smokeHeart problems run in his family.Struggling with racism in Alabama.KKKGetting cheese doodle crumbs all over his fingers.Exploding pens on his new suits.Paying covers for clubs.Being treated like a celebrity when he just wants to be "one of the guys"Concerts not selling out.Paper cutsShaving in the morning and cutting himself.Katy Perry refusing to kiss women in front of him.Can't score higher than a 1100 on the SATsCrackers (the food and the people).Wine stainsSpider monkeysGhost stories that haunt him throughout the night.Dance offs when he's running a fever.Having to interact at box socials.Blood diamonds.Building a mosque near Ground Zero.AntsReligionStubbing his toes.Getting cheese stuck to the bottom of the toaster oven. not the proper way to make grill cheese but he's jay-z man.Burning the roof of his mouth on soup.DiarrheaNot wondering how many babies he has out there.Clive OwenAfrican tribal music (he's a big Jungle brothers fan)Skittles getting stuck in his teethForgetting the prayer for lighting the menorah on HanukkahForgetting people's names easily.Crab people.Being accused of robberies.Marijuana being illegal.Watching The Shining alone in the dark.Finding a good maid.Accidentally using bleach when he does his laundry.Not being able to find the second sock in a batch of laundry.FacebookSwamp ass in the summer.MosquitosThe song "Firefly" by Owl CityHasn't traveled to the moon yet.Hasn't been to Antartica yet.Grocery shopping.Hair growing in his ears.No one ever asks him how hes feeling todayOnly a brown belt in karate.Can only bench press 200 pounds.Can only run 2 miles without getting winded.Roller coastersWorried about how writing poetry makes him look too "emo"Touring when he's sick.Touring when he just doesn't feel like it.Not having someone to talk to about his problems.The 7 day hold they put on million dollar checksFollowing "No Turn on Red" signs.Earwax.